


The Lost Ones

by EliseIeroWayToro



Series: My Saving Grace [1]
Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Depression, Drugs, I promise, Letters, M/M, Pen Pals, Saving you
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-07
Updated: 2015-02-11
Packaged: 2018-01-18 12:47:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1429114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EliseIeroWayToro/pseuds/EliseIeroWayToro
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One piece of paper is all it takes.</p>
<p>One piece of paper and the words written on it.</p>
<p>All Gerard needs is a little bit of hope that he can survive the year away from his family, but something is making him scared, scared to the depths of his soul that he won't make it.</p>
<p>Frank is seriously ill and no-one knows why. He takes his frustrations out on himself, smoking and drinking until he can't see straight. All he needs is some support from someone who would't judge him.</p>
<p>With the help of a pen and a piece of paper, can they save each other, or does the help come just a little too late?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Frank

“The names Frank.” I whispered to myself as I walked down the corridor, ignoring the strange looks I was getting from other students. My jeans hung low on my waist, the backs dragging on the floor as I dragged my short arse to the reception. “You fell down the stairs and now you wanna go home. There is no other shit. You’re not skiving PE again. Nope, not at all.”

I stumbled slightly as one of the other students grabbed my backpack, laughing as I gasped, slowly starting to choke when I couldn’t catch my breath. “Wow Iero, don’t bloody die on us.” Laughed my friend, Tomas. “Seriously dude.” He said as I doubled over, my hands on my stomach as I fought to catch my breathe. “You okay?”

I shook my head as I reached around to my backpack, fumbling with the zipper and fighting my inhaler free. I snapped the cap off and took a couple of puffs before straightening up and wiping the tears from below my eyes. “You cool now?” Tomas asked as Mikey ran up, a bottle of water clenched so tightly in his fingers that his knuckles were going white. I nodded as I twisted the cap from the bottle and drained it.  
“I gotta go home.” I breathed hoarsely. “I am so not doing PE in this state.”  
“Well, you don’t have to go home, we have music later. I hear they got a new guitar teacher.” Mikey pleaded, his eyes still on mine as I fought to steady my breath. I sighed before nodding and turned back around, hunting out a free bench to drop onto while my friends played rugby.

* * *

 

My mother looked at me skeptically when I told her about the guitar lessons I wanted to take, her eyes squinted as she looked over the form. “You realise this is £50 a term right?” I nodded. “You realise that we don’t have this kind of money, Frank?”  
“Mum, please? I just want to do something normal. I hate being ill all the time, this’ll take my mind off how much this sucks. I hate being stuck with needles and I just want to feel normal for once.”  
“Frank, honey, I’m sorry, but unless you can get a job to pay for it, you can’t take these lessons.” My mum whispered, her face hurt as I growled in frustration.

I turned on my heels and walked from the room. “Oh, and Frank? Don’t think I’ve forgotten about your smoking. I can smell it on you. It won’t help your health.”  
“I’m dying young anyway.” I snapped as I slammed my bedroom door closed and threw myself onto my bed, screaming in frustration.

My phone buzzed against my floor, stopping me mid-scream, coughing slightly as I let fresh-ish air into my lungs. “What?” I snapped as I held it to my ear, annoyed that I was being disturbed.  
“Frank, come downstairs please?” My mum asked calmly.  
“Why? So you can lecture me about smoking or piss me off about not having the money for guitar lessons? Oh, maybe you’ll tell me you finally remember which of the many men you’ve fucked is my dad? That would be a miracle.” I ranted, not really mad at my mother, more mad at myself.  
“Frank, please? Just come downstairs.” She begged, her voice sad as she spoke.  
“Fine.” I snapped as I ended the call and climbed to my feet, running my hands through my fringe before leaving the room.

My mum stood in front of the stove, her hands shaking slightly as she stirred whatever she was cooking. “What?” I asked, my arms folded defensively in front of my chest.  
“You forgot to take your medication.” She whispered. I groaned loudly as I pushed the pills from the strip and swallowed them dry.  
“Happy?” I snapped as I swallowed a glass of water in three massive gulps.

“Frank.” My mum called as I headed towards the stairs again. “What would you say if I could get you the guitar lessons?”  
“How mum? We don’t have the money. There is no way I can condone us sacrificing anything else for me to play guitar.”  
“I was saving up to go on holiday, but I’ll never have enough for the flights.” Mum explained as she walked over to the cupboards and pulled out the heavy china pot. “I have enough here to pay for the rest of the year, maybe even next year as well. If you having these guitar lessons is what you want, then we can do something else this summer.”  
“Mum….I can’t…” I began stepping forwards and placing my hands on hers.  
“Shh Frank.” She removed the money from the pot and counted out £50 and placed it in my hands. “I know how much you struggle to fit in, so please, just do it?”

I nodded as I wrapped my arms around her, feeling her ribs through her shirt. “You need to eat mum.” I whispered.  
“Not if you’ll go hungry.” She protested, her chin resting on the top of my head.  
“Then I can’t take this money. How long have you gone without eating mum? And please don’t lie to me.” I begged, my eyes wide with fear as I waited for a reply.  
“About two weeks Frankie.” Mum muttered.  
“Eat something tonight?” I asked, waiting for a nod as a reply before retreating up the stairs, my stomach growling in hunger as I flopped onto my bed.

* * *

 

“I need you to do me a favour.” Mikey asked as I took a drag on my cigarette, choking as the smoke hit my lungs.  
“What the hell?” I practically yelled, Mikey’s face red as he held back a laugh. “Mikey Way, mr independent, suddenly needs me to do a favour?”  
“Yeah.” Mikey responded innocently, his teeth showing as he grinned.  
“Do you know how fucked up that sounds man?” I chuckled as I stubbed out my cigarette, grinding the ashes down into what slightly resembled a heart.  
“Must sound fucking crazy, I know, but I promise this isn’t for me. It’s for my brother.”  
“That psycho?” I asked, giggling at Mikey’s pout. “Not that he’s a complete psycho, but he never leaves his dorm.”  
“He has reasons Frank, now, are you gonna do me a favour or not?” I nodded and motioned for Mikey to continue, tugging my jacket closer around my shoulders as the wind howled around the clearing. “I need you to make my brother a mix-tape.” I opened my mouth to protest, Mikey’s cold fingers against my lips stopping me saying anything.. “Shut up and hear me out. Gee’s going through a hell of a rough time and he needs something to cheer him up and you have awesome taste in music and...I dunno. I just guess that it would be good for you both.”  
“I don’t need any help with anything.” I pouted.  
“Really? Since your step-dad left you’ve become such an antisocial motherfucker. I have no idea how I even got you out of the house.” Mikey laughed as he threw a pinecone at me.  
“Mum said that the air would be good for me.” I whispered as I climbed to my feet, the wind freezing my stomach as I stretched.  
“Well duh you dick, you spend all your time locked in your room, what the fuck do you expect?”  
“Fuck off.” I laughed as I pulled my phone from my pocket and checked the time, cringing slightly. “Look dude, I gotta go back. Time to get stabbed with a fucking needle again.”  
“How long are the doc’s gonna be taking your blood?” Mikey asked as I grabbed my bottle of Lucozade from under the tree.  
“Until they decide I’m all fit and healthy I guess.” I sighed.

* * *

 

I sat in the doctors office, my feet tapping a steady rhythm on the floor as he opened my file and scanned over the words within, sighing when he got to my most recent test results. “You’re mother tells me you’re still smoking.” Doctor Fieldman muttered as he grabbed a pen. “Why Frank? I thought we discussed this. It isn’t going to help your lungs if you keep filling them with chemicals.”  
“Well doc, my answer for you is a very simple one.” I paused as I took a deep breathe, wincing as my chest rattled. “I’m dying young anyway, so why not speed up the fucking process? I mean, who wants a long and healthy life when they know its all going to shit in a couple of years?”  
“Frank, don’t be so down about life.” He scolded.  
“Tell me that the results give you something to work on and I won’t be so negative.”

“Lift your shirt.” Doctor Fieldman ordered as he placed the earpieces of his stethoscope in his ears, the small circle at the end cold as he pressed it to my skin. “You’re still wheezing. Have you been using your preventer?” He asked.  
“Uh…”  
“That’s a no. Frank, you have to take them or you won’t get better. It’s simple as that.”  
“But I hate it. I hate not being normal and being able to play sports and run around and go to concerts and do any of that shit because no-one knows what’s wrong with me!” I ranted, tears pricking at the corner of my eyes as I tugged my shirt down.  
“Frank, we’ll work it out, I promise you. I don’t know how long it will take, but you will be fixed up, I promise.”  
“I’ll believe it when I see it.” I muttered as I accepted the prescription he held out to me.  
“Try and stop smoking Frank, you’re only 16. It’s not good for you.”  
“Can’t promise that doc.” I sighed as I left the room, tugging my hoodie tighter around me as I hung around outside for my mum to come and pick me up.

* * *

 

I groaned loudly as I looked at my CDs strewn all over the floor, the piece of paper in front of me blank of words. My pencil was gripped between my teeth, the bass from my stereo thumping in my chest. Smashing Pumpkins echoed around my room, the words filling my mind as I tried to work out what to put on the mixtape, hundreds of songs rattling around in my mind.

I gave up, dropping my pen on the floor and crawling to my bed, laying down with my forearm over my eyes. My chest ached as I lay there, my muscles cramping as I stretched, a moan leaving my lips as my back popped. “Tomorrow…” I yawned, tears dripping onto my pillow as I kicked off my jeans and curled up under my duvet.


	2. Gerard

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologise for the shit German, I haven't spoken it in a long time so it took me a while to work out everything and translate it. If I've made any mistakes, feel free to let me know and I'll correct them.

I threw the pen across my room, a frustrated cry leaving my lips as it shattered against the wall. I dropped my head into my hands as my shoulders shook, my chest heaving as I fought to hold back sobs. I sides throbbed as I held them tight, my fingernails digging half moons into my skin.

It was bad enough that I didn’t want to be here, but even worse when people wanted me to ‘go out and see the world’. Fuck, did they not think I would if I could find it in me to? Did they not think that being homesick just made everything ten times worse?

Tears streaked down my face as yet another knock reverberated around my room. “What?” I yelled before realising they might not understand me. “Was?” I asked after wracking my brain for the German alternative.  
“Werden Sie heute herauskommen Gerard?” A female voice asked, her voice rising slightly towards the end.  
“Nein.” I replied as I dragged my hand across my eyes.  
“Warum nicht? Wir wollen in die Kneipe mit dir gehen.” Goddamnit, they wanted me to go to the pub? Well fuck them.  
“Weil ich nicht will.”  
“Fine.” She responded in broken English. “Later then.”  
“Ja.”

I opened my laptop and fired it up, my eyes on the flashing power light as I fumbled for the charger. The packet of pills caught my eye and I sat there, staring at it as the internet loaded. “Don’t fucking think about it. You promised Mikey goddamnit, Gerard. You promised him you would keep fighting. So just do it.” I placed my head on the desk next to my laptop, breathing deeply as I tried to calm myself down.

Skype started pinging as soon as it loaded, Mikey’s icon appearing on the screen, message after message telling me to pick up. I clicked the answer button and wiped my eyes while it connected, Mikey grinning as soon as he saw me. “Gee! How you doing bro?”  
“Fuck, I’m doing good Mikes, hows about you?” I replied, reaching for a new pen and carrying on with my essay.  
“Well, I, uh… I got my first girlfriend!” He laughed, his eyes lighting up with delight. “She’s awesome man, you’d totally get on with her. When d’you come back?”  
“I dunno.” I shrugged, reaching for my calendar and flipping to December. “Look’s like uni’s out for Christmas on the 9th of December, so I could technically fly back on the 11th.” I counted off the days in my head, sighing as I realised how far away that was.  
“Can I come and stay during the Halloween break? Please Gerard, I miss our movie sessions already and Halloween would be the perfect time to bring them back.” Mikey pleaded, spinning around as someone knocked on his bedroom door. “Go away mum.” He laughed before turning back to the screen.  
“I’ll speak to my landlord. He should say yes.” I replied, sighing when he turned again.  
“Look, Gee, I gotta go. Frank’s here and I’m meant to be going to the cinema with him. I’ll call you later?” He asked, getting a nod in reply. “Stay strong brother.” Mikey whispered seriously as he disconnected the call.

* * *

 

I dropped onto my bed, the blankets pulled up to my chin as I shivered, my knees tucked up to my chest. It’s not that it was cold. In fact, it was actually really warm, but I just felt...down. I was trying to distract myself, but it wasn’t working. I was still thinking about everything that was running through my mind.

My head hurt, thoughts bouncing off my skull, my ears ringing as silence filled my room. My cheeks were growing wet as tears streaked down my face, silent sobs shaking my body. When Mikey ended the call, he looked scared, but he had a right to be. Just before they sent me to this university, in the middle of a country I don’t really know, I had a breakdown, popping pills at all hours of the day to make me forget what had happened, and even now, I still can’t talk about it.

No-one knows what happened, just that I stopped leaving the house, talking to people I didn’t know and I barely ate anything. I had to get out of there, leaving all the bad memories behind, and that was the way to do it, no matter how hard it was to leave everyone I cared about behind.

My mum and dad became increasingly worried, especially when I became so ill I couldn’t even stand up, but I brought myself back from that nicely. I eat at least one meal a day, even though I should eat more but, like most students, I forget.

* * *

 

A ringing on the other side of the room caused my head to shoot up, stabbing pains jarring the bones in my back. I groaned softly as I climbed to my feet and grabbed my phone, holding it to my ear. “Hallo?” I asked.  
“Gerard?” Melissa asked.  
“What?” I asked, returning to English.  
“What’s wrong? Annalise said you weren’t going to come to the pub last night then she couldn’t get hold of you.”  
“I’m just not feeling well.” I replied.  
“Really? Are you sure that’s the truth?” Melissa asked sternly.  
“Yeah, totally sure that it’s the truth, why the hell would I lie about that?”  
“Because you have a history of lying about your health. Now, tell me the truth or I’ll break down your door to make sure you’re alright.” She ranted.  
“Fuck Melissa, I’m not going to kill myself if that’s what you’re thinking.”  
“Look, I’m worried about you Gerard. Everyone is. Just… prove to us you’re okay and we’ll leave you alone.” Melissa bargained.  
“How?” I asked as I reached for a packet of painkillers.  
“Come with us for dinner tonight, I promise that you won’t have to come again if you prove that you’re okay.”  
“Urgh, fine.” I agreed before hanging up and dropping my phone onto the counter.

* * *

 

I stepped under the steady stream of water and counted the scars marring my torso, the silvery lines ranging from thin and barely visible to in your face and thick. I winced as I touched the puckered edge of one, the sensitive skin sending signals of agony to my brain, sparking off memories that shouldn’t be remembered.

A sob broke free from my chest and I collapsed to the floor of the shower, wincing as my head came in contact with the wall behind me. My vision blurred as tears streamed down my face, my back tensing with each sob, my arms wrapped tight around my knees as I tried to control my breathing.

I could hear the steady thrum of the water on the walls of the shower, my screams taking over my mind, the memory of the event sitting in the forefront, images of what happened ripping through all lucid thoughts I had.

Without turning off the water, I staggered from the bathroom and grabbed a strip of pills, popping them into the palm of my hand. I hesitated before I threw them into my mouth, swallowing them dry as I begged for the memories to pass.

“Help me!” I begged, crawling to the door as my vision blurred. “Help me, please?” I sobbed.  
“Gerard?” Squealed Annalise as I fell through the door, my towel clutched around my hips, vomit staining my torso. “Was ist passiert? What happened?”  
“I’m sorry. I couldn’t take it.” I sobbed as I dropped to the floor again, my knees colliding with the cold tile of the hallway.  
“Melissa!” Annalise yelled as she dragged me to my feet and pulled me back into the bathroom, turning the water cold as she sat me underneath.  
“Was ist passiert?” Asked Melissa as she ran in, her face filled with fear when she saw me shaking in the shower.  
“Er versuchte, sich umzubringen. Ich weiß nicht, wie. Es tut mir leid Melissa.” Annalise sobbed as I threw up again, my head hanging as I tried to catch my breath.

“Gerard, look at me.” Melissa ordered. I managed to swing my head up to see her, my vision blurred with the water dripping from my hair and the drugs pumping through my system. “You are going to be okay. I promise. No matter what the hell is haunting you, you will be okay. We will help you fight through it and you will be okay. I am not letting a casket go home to your family. I promise you.”  
“It hurts.” I moaned as more acid forced itself up my throat.  
“It’s okay Gerard. I promise.” Melissa soothed as I staggered to my feet, the towel hitting the floor around my ankles.  
“I don’t want it to be.” I sobbed as I lunged across the room for my razor. “I want it to end.”

* * *

 

I woke up with blankets pulled up to my chin, pressure on the palms of my hands. With a slight struggle, I managed to sit up, my back groaning as my vision blurred, my head dizzy. I pulled my hands free and looked at the bloodstained bandages covering my palms, wincing as I pulled them free. “What happened?” I whispered, Melissa sighing as she walked over to me.  
“You don’t remember?” I shook my head. “You tried to overdose and when me and Annalise tried to save you, you went for the blades and tried to slit your wrists. James had to knock you out to get the blades out of your hands.”  
“Why? Why would I do that?” I asked, a headache building up to fever pitch.  
“Because you won’t tell anyone what’s haunting you and it’s tearing you up inside.”  
“I need to sleep.” I groaned as I reached for a glass of water sat beside my bed.  
“I’ll be here when you wake up.” Melissa said softly. “I promise.”


	3. Frank

“Whoa, hold up, you telling me that Superman is better than Batman?” I laughed as we walked towards the English block.  
“Totally, the colours are so much better and he’s just awesome!” Mikey chuckled as we slid into our seats on opposite sides of the classroom. I stuck my tongue out at him before loosening my tie.  
“Right, todays lesson is finishing the projects you began last week. You can used this room or the library, but be warned, I will be keeping an eye on you all.” Ms Tomas said as me and Mikey stumbled to our feet and ran towards the door.  
  
“We need more mufti days.” I said as my blazer pocket got caught on the door handle.  
“Just because none of the blazers are short enough for you.” Mikey sniggered.  
“Shut the fuck up.” I chuckled as I dropped into a chair at our normal table.  
“How far have you got on the mixtape?” Mikey asked as he pulled out his exercise book and a pen.  
“I got a couple songs sorted. I’m gonna finish it when I get home. You got your brothers address for me?”  
“I’ll Facebook it to ya later. I can’t remember off the top of my head.”  
“Boys!” Hissed the librarian as she walked past our table.  
“I can’t wait till lunch.” I whimpered as my stomach rumbled, Mikey fighting to hold in his laughter as I imitated a dying whale.  
  


* * *

My mum was sat at the dinner table when I walked in, her head in her hands. “Mum?” I asked as I slid my school bag to the floor. “Mum, what’s wrong?”  
“The doctors called. They said you need more tests. Apparently they still have no idea what’s wrong.”  
“It’s fine mum, it doesn’t matter. I’ll go for the tests, there’s no need to worry.”  
“But there is Frankie, it’s been far too long since you had your first tests. You’re just not getting better and I can’t cope much longer.” My mum whispered as she gazed at me.  
“Mum, I can cope with the tests. I’ll have as many as it takes to work out what’s wrong. I don’t care how long it takes, trust me.”  
“What if its…” She began, her voice shaking, tears leaking out of the corner of her eyes.  
“If it is cancer, we can deal with it mum. I promise.” I interrupted, throwing my arms around her shoulders as she cried.  
  
“It’s can’t be cancer Frankie, I can’t lose you like that.” Mum sobbed into my shoulders.  
“I promise you won’t lose me mum, not now, not ever.” I muttered, releasing my grip on her shoulders and taking a step back. “I’ve got school work to do, I’ll be back down soon mum.”  
“Okay, I’ll call you for dinner.” She sniffed. I nodded and turned from the room, hesitating before spinning around and facing her again.  
“How much does a flight to Germany cost?” I blurted before I thought.  
“Uh, it depends, why?” She quizzed.  
“Me and Mikey were thinking of taking a holiday at halloween.” I replied.  
“I can have a look, but I’m not promising anything.” She smiled.  
“Thanks.” I grinned before running up the stairs.  
  
My phone buzzed against my thigh, a small scream leaving my lips as I fought to get it out of my skinnies. “Frank, oh my god you have got to hear this!” Mikey squealed as soon as I picked up.  
“What have I got to hear?” I sighed.  
“Someone has a crush on you!” He almost yelled in excitement.  
“Oh.” I replied as I rolled onto my back and stared at the ceiling.  
“You don’t sound bothered.” Mikey muttered.  
“Not really. It’s probably a chick and that would just suck dick even more than I do.” I chuckled as I rolled onto my side, groaning as I my chest tightened. “Look, Mikes, I gotta go, my chest’s really hurting and I’ve gotta post that mixtape, I’ll chat later?”  
“Sure.” Mikey agreed. “Don’t wear yourself out okay?”  
“Kay.” I muttered before I hung up and tried to stretch out, groaning at the pain in my side.  
  
Once I was sure it was gone, I climbed to my feet and shrugged into my jacket, my left hand reaching for the envelope, my right reaching for my keys. Mum looked at me as I opened the front door, her eyebrow raised at the envelope in my hand. “The mixtape.” I explained before I left the house, tugging the door closed behind me.  
  
My feet led me quickly down the street to the post box, the bright red standing out against the darkening sky. I slid the envelope into the hole and waited for the thud to say it had landed before turning to walk away, stabbing pains piercing my lungs.  
  
I took a deep breath and sat on the kerb, my head resting on my knees as I grabbed out my phone, dialling the first number I came to. “Frank? Thought you were going out?” Mikey’s voice rang out.  
“Am. Out.” I panted.  
“What’s wrong? Where are you Frank?”  
“Post. Box. Down…” I gasped. “Down. Cherry...Tree. Avenue.” I wheezed out, gritting my teeth together.  
“I’m on my way, try to stay calm Frank.” Mikey squeaked as he grabbed his keys, the distinct rattling reaching my ears through the phone.  
“Hurts.” I groaned as I tried to even my breathing.  
“It’s okay Frankie, stay calm, I’m on my way, I’ll be there in a couple of minutes.” Mikey soothed. “Now, I have to hang up, but only so I can get there quicker. Promise me you’ll be okay?”  
“Can’t.” I dropped my phone onto the tarmac and curled up in a ball, my hand searching my pockets for my inhaler.  
  
“Frankie, look at me.” Called Mikey, his voice so distant, even though he was knelt next to me. I rolled my eyes to face him, my body numb from both the pain and the cold. “Come on, we have to get you home.” He muttered more to himself than anyone else.

* * *

I groaned as I opened my eyes, bright lights shooting into my brain. “Urghhh.” I moaned, catching Mikey’s attention.  
“You’re awake!” He sighed, relief flooding his voice.  
“Hurts.” I muttered, my mouth dry.  
“I know Frank, you’ll have to lay still. I’ll go get the doctor.”  
“Doctor?” I asked, trying to sit upright.  
“Yeah, you wouldn’t breathe, we had to bring you to the hospital.” Mikey explained, reaching for my hand when I started to cry. “It’s okay, they’re gonna let you go soon, I can feel it.”  
“Get me out of here.” I whispered, my chest clenching as I sucked in a deep breath.  
“I can’t, not yet.” Mikey muttered, his hand squeezing mine softly. “Sorry.” He sighed as I closed my eyes, wincing against the pain in my chest.

* * *

“Thank fuck.” I muttered as Mikey helped me out of the car and towards my house, waiting for my mum to open the door.  
“Frank, I have to go.” He sighed.  
“Please don’t, mum’ll let you stay.” I whispered as I looked at her, pleading silently.  
“If it’s okay with you Mrs Iero.” Mikey said.  
“Of course it is Mikey. You’re always welcome here.” My mum smiled as she ushered us inside. “I’m going to order some pizza for dinner, you go ahead and play your games or watch tv or something, I’ll call you when it’s here.”  
“Thanks.” Me and Mikey both said at the same time.  
  
“You mind if I skype Gerard quick?” Mikey asked as I lay down on my bed, toeing my shoes off.  
“Go ahead.” I said, my throat still scratchy.  
  
I lay back on my bed, my legs tucked up to my chest, my eyes closed as I focused on my breathing, in and out, slow and deep. Mikey was talking in the background, his voice too distant for me to focus on, the replies even further away.  
  
A cough burst forwards from my lungs, Mikey’s head whipping around to focus on me as I tried to catch my breath, Gerard asking if I was okay. “I’m fine.” I wheezed as I curled up even smaller, my chin pressed against my chest. My eyes got heavier and heavier and my breathing slower and slower, fighting a losing battle against sleep.

* * *

“Hi Doctor Fieldman.” I sighed as I dropped into the chair.  
“Hello Frank. Hows the chest doing?” He asked as he opened my file.  
“Sore. Hurts when I breathe, just the normal shit to be honest.” I replied.  
“Have you stopped smoking?”  
“Well, I haven’t had one since the other day if that’s what you mean, but I’m too busy in hospital because I can’t fucking breathe to worry about smoking a fucking cigarette.” I ranted.  
“Calm down Frank, getting angry isn’t going to help your situation.” Dr Fieldman reprimanded.  
“No, but it might help you fucking doctors get to the bottom of what’s wrong!” I yelled as I climbed to my feet, my hand shooting to my side.  
“Are you alright?” The doctor asked, his eyes filled with worry.  
  
I shook my head from side to side, biting my tongue as something in my side popped. “Frank, sit down and breathe deeply, I’m going to call for some more help, okay?” I nodded, hunching over in the chair as I fought to catch my breath.  
  
“Mum.” I sobbed as she walked in the door, panic on her face.  
“Frank, it’s okay. They want to take you back to the hospital. Doctor Fieldman can push up the tests, he can get them done this afternoon.” Mum explained as she knelt down in front of me.  
“I want to go to Germany.” I whispered through gritted teeth.  
“Why honey?” She asked.  
“Me and Mikey want a holiday, just the two of us, away from everyone else.” I explained.  
“Do you like like him?” My mum asked.  
  
I shook my head. “Just good friends.” I groaned, my head darting up as a paramedic walked into the room.  
“Frank Iero?” He asked.  
“Yeah?” I groaned.  
“Can you walk?” I sighed before shaking my head. “Okay, I have a wheelchair here, we’re gonna take you up to the hospital okay?”  
“Yeah.”

* * *

I lay on the cold table, the hospital gown not keeping me very warm as I waited for the doctors to come back so they could start the MRI scan. Mum had disappeared with them, worry etched in her face as the explained something, technological terms preventing me from understanding.  
  
Boredom started to take over, my heart beat growing lazy as I stared at the ceiling tiles, counting the cracked polystyrene to keep myself awake. It worked a treat, my eyes growing heavy, the thudding of the door against the wall startling me, my arms flailing around in the air as I sat bolt upright.  
  
“What the hell?” I snapped as Mikey barged into the room.  
“They don’t need to do it!” He squealed as he tried to catch his breathe.  
“Do what?”  
“The test, you can go home, apparently they have an idea, so they’re going to use the blood they took when you were asleep to see if they were right.” He explained.  
“Fine, hand me my trousers.” I muttered as I hung my legs over the end of the table.

* * *

Mikey dropped onto my bed, his eyes wide as I lit a cigarette, hanging out my window to blow the smoke away. “You’re really gonna smoke after all that?” He asked.  
“Yes. I’m stressed and I want a fag, feel free to take it off me.” I replied angrily as I glared at him.  
“It’s cool, smoke it.” He backtracked, knowing I would bite his hand if he tried to take my cigarette away.  
  
I fiddled with my buckle, dropping my jeans and pulling on my pajama bottoms while Mikey was in the bathroom, his hair messed up when he came back in. “You sleeping in my bed again?” I asked, one eyebrow raised, chuckling softly when Mikey’s face went red.  
“We can’t Frank!” Mikey sighed.  
“What? You don’t want some fun?” I laughed as I tugged my shirt over my head, wincing as my fingers grazed my ribs.  
“That was one time!” He protested.  
“Yup, and I don’t even wanna know what you were dreaming about.” I snickered.  
“I didn’t mean to!”  
“Didn’t mean to what? Give me a hand job or give me a hickey?”  
“Either of them.” He whispered, his cheeks red.  
  
“Hey!” He yelled as he realised what I was saying. “You could have stopped me!”  
“Yeah, but I was horny and too lazy to sort it myself, plus you weren’t that bad for a straight guy.” I laughed.  
“I could uh…” Mikey went silent, his cheeks red.  
“You could what Mikey? Spit it out.” I chuckled as I climbed under the covers, pulling him down with me. “Stay that side, and keep your hands to yourself.” I ordered as I curled up on my side.  
“Can I hug you?” He asked.  
“Why?”  
“We always used to do it, I miss it.”  
“Sure.” I sighed as I closed my eyes, taking a deep breathe as I prepared to sleep.


	4. Gerard

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *hides face while you all look on in shock*  
> Sorry it's been so long since I updated. I've had a hell of a rough time with writers block and whatnot and university has kept me busy, but enjoy!!

Melissa glared at me as I woke up, her face pale in the moonlight streaming in through the open window. “Painkillers?” I asked, groaning as I sat upright.

“I’ll get you some.” She replied before tugging my bedroom door open and reaching for the lightswitch.

 

I pressed my hand to my forehead as I tried to make sense of what was going on in my room. Anything that could be considered sharp had been removed and my art had been tidied away. Underneath the covers I was wearing just my underwear, my white skin even lighter in the moonlight.

 

“What happened?” I asked as Melissa walked back in, her face pale as she looked at the bandages tied around my hands.

“You don’t remember?” She asked. I shook my head slowly, cringing as black spots crept across my vision. “You said you wanted to die Gerard. You said you would kill yourself. You wouldn’t let go of the blades.”

“Why? Why would I do that? I’ve been getting better. Why would I do that Melissa?” I panicked.

“I don’t know Gerard, you won’t tell us anything, you won’t tell us how you got the scars, you won’t tell us why you wake up screaming. You won’t tell us anything. How the hell are we supposed to do anything to help you?”

“I’m sorry Lissa.” I whispered.

“It’s okay, but you have been asleep a hell of a long time, so what d'you say about coming down to the store with me and picking up some bits for dinner?” I hesitated before nodding, my eyes drifting shut as my head pounded.

 

Melissa left me alone for fifteen minutes so I could change, her face relaxing when I walked into the shared kitchen. “Ready?” She asked. I nodded in reply and grabbed a jacket from the hooks, checking all my things were in the pockets before swinging my arms into it.

* * *

“Look, Melissa, I didn’t mean to okay? I want to be strong for Mikey and I failed. I can’t tell him this.”

“You’re gonna have to mate.” Melissa replied as she reached for some pasta sauce. “He’s gonna find out eventually, whether that be you telling him, or forgetting to hide proof or whatever, but he’s gonna find out that you’ve relapsed.”

“Lissa, please, I can’t break him like that, I just can’t tell my baby brother that I still want to give up, even after everything I promised him.” I stretched upwards, groaning as my back cracked loudly.

“Look, I’m not going to force you, it’s your choice.” She paused, reaching towards the bottom shelf for some pasta sauce. “You just need to remember that he looks up to you, you’re his big brother and his hero. Mikey’ll want to look after you and he’ll want to see you getting better. Not telling him this? It’ll give him false hope, he’ll be sat there thinking everything’s okay and it’s not. That’s not the way to show your brother that you love him. Trust me Gerard.” I hesitated as I listened to what she had to say, goosebumps rising on my arms as we reached the freezer aisle. “Right, I’m cooking pasta bolognese for dinner, afters is your forte, so what’re we gonna have?”

“I’ll make creme brulee or something, maybe bake some shortbread and put it with some ice cream?” I suggested.

“Dude, it’s your choice, you’re the one that makes the desserts, but I’d like to point out that you’re actually going to go to your classes tomorrow.” I groaned quietly as I reached into the freezer and grabbed some frozen pastry and a bag of mixed summer fruits.

“Summer fruits tart and custard, maybe ice cream if that’s what people want.” I explained as I brushed off her statement.

* * *

I stuck my hands into the hot water, wincing as the soap stung the cuts on my hands. I heard my friends cleaning the table, their pointless conversations putting me at ease as I washed the dishes, my heart thudding as hands settled on my hips. “You know, we never did get that movie night.” James whispered in my ear, his gentle touch making me shudder.

“Sorry about that.” I replied bluntly, not wanting to show how he was affecting me.

“You could always come to my room tonight, we could pick up right where we left off?” He suggested, one of his hands sliding around my waist, holding me against him.

“Look, James, I have an idea what you’re after, and right now? I don’t want to. I just want to go back to my room and finish my essay and go to bed.”

“But you promised.” James pouted.

“And promises can be broken when my health is at risk. Do you really think I want to be fucking when I can’t even keep a lid on my feelings? No. Thank. You.” I explained, gritting my teeth against the hurtful words I was thinking. I heard him sigh as he loosened his grip on my waist. I hesitated before speaking again. “Look, maybe another time. I just need some time to recover okay?” I felt his hands leave my waist as he left, Melissa coming to stand next to me.

“I’m thinking of coming to crash in your room tonight.” She said. “I need some help with an art assignment and it has to be in tomorrow.”

“Sure, which one?” I asked, glad that Melissa understood how I felt.

“You know the one on that abstract artist. Ugh, I forget his name.”

“Kandinsky.” I stated, smiling slightly as she chuckled.

“Yeah, him. Have you done it yet?” I nodded.

“Finished it last week. You’ve left it late.”

* * *

I dropped into my desk chair, my hands flying over the keyboard as I searched for information for Melissa, my eyes on the clock as I waited for Mikey to skype me, his call already fifteen minutes late. My heart thudded as I pressed print, contemplating calling him myself when his icon flashed up. I clicked answer, my heart dropping when I saw his face. “What’s wrong?” I asked, panicking slightly.

“Frank’s getting worse, I’m just worried about him. I’m staying with him at the minute so I waited for him to fall asleep before calling. The doctors reckon they know what’s wrong, but they aren’t sure how they can make him better. I’ve seen how worried they look when they talk about him.” He paused, took a deep breath and threw himself right back into the conversation. “I can’t lose him, and that’s where you come in. Frank wants to end it himself, before things get worse and he won’t be allowed to leave the hospital. I need you to write to him, just send the letters home, I’ll give them to him at school, but maybe draw him some pictures or something. Just please, I can’t lose him, not like you. And yeah, I know, you’re only in Germany, but it still feels the same. Please?”

“Wow.” I muttered, turning to face the door as it opened. Melissa peeked her head in and I stuck up a finger, asking her to give me a minute. When the door closed I spoke again. “Why me? I rarely speak to him. I don’t know him that well. I’m not gonna be much help at all.”

“You’ll be more help than you realise. Trust me.”

“Ugh, fine.” I agreed. “I’ll write the first one when I have a spare minute to myself.” I mentally slapped myself as I thought about what I had just agreed to. “Look, Mikey, I need to talk to you.”

“Gee, I have to go.” He said at the same time I spoke, both of us sitting there looking at each other as we waited for the other to speak.

“It’s okay, you go do what you’ve gotta do, I’ll talk to you later.”

“Okay.” Mikey said, smiling softly. “Look, I’m always here Gee, just pick up the phone whenever you need to talk, I’ll always pick up.”

“Thanks little bro.” I smiled, wiping a tear from under my eye as he hung up.

 

 


End file.
